I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
