nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
