Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
