I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
