Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Only a mothe r could love this liver
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
