We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
