I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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