we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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