I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I believe in your delicious
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
