I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
