If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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