I am puke
What did we do last night that was yellow?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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