I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
