The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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