i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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