i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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