I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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