I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
