plz talk dirty to me
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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