As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
We named our party play list daddy issues
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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