The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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