I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
