Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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