Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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