i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
