Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
