So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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