If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
