I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
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They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
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Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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