my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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