When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
