This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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