Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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