just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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