Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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