Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
