Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
you had me at cake vodka
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Someone signed my nipple.
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