you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
