I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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