Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
