JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It's like God shit irony all over that family
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
