I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
