i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
