dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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