so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
