Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just had sex on a roof
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
