Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
