cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Well I just put wine in my tea
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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