if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
