Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
you have to choose: penises or morals?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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