I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
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The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
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I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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