i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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