i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
