Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
