youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
