Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You took a bar mat shot.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
