no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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